Thoughts......

Life is a challenge, and it seems to be more challenging each and every day. As I've told you many times, I keep looking for the future and believing that it is a beautiful future. But at times I just can't see for the darkness. Okay, let me tell you what I'm talking about.

We are still facing a lot of problems with our finances, and it is overwhelming at times. We still owe a lot for the business, and we have plans of paying everyone, it is just going to take us a while. Our bills for the family keep falling behind because when we get a good amount of money it goes to pay the business bills. People keep on telling us to file for bankruptcy, but we don't want to do that. We want to pay everyone, and not leave bills and people hanging. Then we are having problems with the IRS. Plus a few more things that have popped up, and then I find myself just sitting here wondering what shoe is going to drop next.

But now if I was reading this from a friend I would stop what I was doing and pray for them and also send them words of encouragement. I would also remind them to speak positive words, and not to speak anything that would open the door to Satan or to let him come in and cause evil in their life. So, why am I not doing this myself? Why am I so small in my faith right now? Where is the woman that would take her Bible and walk around her property 7 times, praying a wall of fire around her home, asking God to be on the inside and to keep all evil out. (At the time we lived in New Bern, N.C., which is the witch capital of the U.S. at the time.) Where is the woman that would stop whatever she was doing and get on her knees and pray when God told her to. Where is she?

I am here. I'm just wounded right now. But I've been reading a book that my Mom got for me and it is like reading my own story. And the part I just got done reading hit me right between the eyes. God has gone no where, He is right here with me. Instead of telling Him that I know that I should be praying, that I should be doing all of this stuff, and then I just put it on the back burner. My faith is weak. But His isn't. I am not going to ask God to please hold on to me, since right now I'm having a hard time holding on to Him. I am asking Him to please not let me go. I am also just going to start talking to Him as I would a friend, and ask Him to remind me to pray, to call on Him. Is this making sense? I can't even take another step on my own right now. I want to crawl up in His lap and rest in Him.

I am still at my Mom's and will be here for a while longer. I am enjoying spending so much time with her, and today was special, sad but special. Mom has been in kidney failure for a while now, and she has had operation after operation, but nothing has worked. Today we went to her kidney doctor, and he was telling her that things were moving right along and that he would see her in August. But before she left his office he sent her upstairs to do some blood test and wanted her to wait to get the results. I had my sweet Myles with me so I had taken him for a walk and was putting him back in the car when the nurse came out to get me. The hair was standing up on the back of my neck. I went into the room where mom and the doctor were sitting and he told me what they had found out. Mom's kidney function is down to 9% and has to go on dialysis now. And I mean they went right to work getting everything set up. By the end of the week she should be on the machine, 3 times a week for about 3 to 4 hours a day.

Of course she was very upset and sees this as the end of her life. I kept telling her to look at it as her glass is half full. The doctor said that in about 6 weeks she should be feeling better, she has felt so bad lately. He also told her that she can live another 2 to 8 years. That is wonderful. But I'm now walking in her body, am I. I can only be here to give her all the support that I can, and love her each step of the way.

So, the next shoe? Who knows. I'm praying for a miracle in our finances. Please pray with me. Pray that the last house that we have will sell within the month, pray that the two lots that we have will also close this month, pray that God will lead me to the right job (yes, I'm leading towards shutting my studio), that God will protect my DH and guide him each day, and ask God to be the great physician in my mom's life and body. That is alot to ask of each of you, but I need these blessings in my life. God knows the desire of my heart, and thank you for praying for my family.

sorry that this has been so long. and I wonder if you actually made it to the end of this. I hope you did. I'll be back in a few days. Until then, take care.
Charlie